Category Archives: Book Nerd

Charm and Punishment

As you are reading this  I am all sweaty, disgusting, hot and on mimimum sleep. That’s right! While you read this I will be at camp! Anyways… this is going to seem like it’s really long. But it is a five minute short story I am entering into a contest. Through the magic of technology this will appear while I am miles away from cell service.

I had to rewrite a fairy tale! My love of fairy tales being what it is, I was totally up for this challenge! I decided to rewrite Aladdin. For starters Aladdin, becomes Miss Adalyn… the rest you can read for yourself! 🙂 The winner get’s published in a magazine and a free Kindle Fire! How cool is that?!

Just thought you might be in need of a smile today, and I hope I can help you out! Enjoy!

-Kiersten

PS. Please pray I’m still alive, haven’t broken any bones, or broken any kids! Love ya!

One very well executed senior prank, and what was I doing? I got stuck sorting through the basement of terror for the next two weeks. Only me! Everyone else dodged the bullet somehow.

Oh yeah, I remember. My “friends” sold me out to the principal.

The crypt’s only “school board approved” purpose was storage for several decades’ worth of lost and found items. It was also served as the school’s hot spot make-out zone, and a torture chamber, namely for me.  It was either this, or no walking the stage at graduation. I’m pretty sure it’s child abuse to have me down here against my will. There’s probably mold down here, I gasp, or poisonous spiders.

At my funeral they’ll realize how cruel-and-unusual-punishment-y this was. But by then it’ll be too late.

All we did was set the principle’s ’66 Mustang GT Convertible on the roof… He had a total meltdown, like try-to-call-the-coast-guard-to-save-his-“baby” meltdown. Slight over reaction if you ask me.

Note that I said “we”. That’s because there were four of us. After months of planning, weeks of drills, hundreds of dollars, and a perfect execution, they ruin the moment and sell me out so they don’t get ‘suspended’. What a bunch of pansies. I grudgingly brought myself back to the task at hand and picked up an old retainer with some form of food still attached to it. I threw it across the room, resisting the urge to scream. I am in dire need of new friends, and gloves.

I decided to tackle the boxes from last year first and leave the 1970’s in their place, buried deep in the basement, hidden among rolls of orange shag carpeting and boxes of bell bottom jeans.

“Adalyn!”

I spun around the room, looking but seeing no one. Great, 20 minutes down here, and I’m already starting to lose it.

I shook my head and decided to open the box marked from last year. The thin water damaged cardboard was practically dissolving into the floor. I start to reach my hand in, using the screen on my phone as a pathetic flashlight. Dear God, may all rats, mice, spiders, and anything else that moves or has teeth please disappear from this box, never to return. Amen.

I closed my eyes, and began to expose the contents of the box. A retainer, no two retainers… Three library books. One pink sparkly converse shoe. Ew, one moldy sock. A pocket knife. And… ooh, what’s this? A cell phone!

I picked it up, and rubbed the dust off the screen. It flickered to life. Now that’s what I call battery life, geez. I examined the phone. I’m halfway tempted to see what kind of dirt –metaphoric dirt—it contains.

A strange woman popped up on the screen, wearing a total punk outfit. Blue hair, black miniskirt, and fishnets included. Strange.

“Adalyn! Finally!” I dropped the phone. It said my name. It moved. The phone. Spoke my name.

“Stop being ridiculous! Pick me up this instant,” she (it?) commanded, voice muffled as the speaker was now lying against the concrete floor. I don’t really want to, but I kind of do, who am I kidding? Of course I want to. I pick up the phone and turn the screen to face me.

“Thank you! Didn’t you hear me call you?”

“What is this? Is this a joke?” I am talking to a cellphone, ‘to’ not ‘on’, yep I’m losing it. “Am I on TV?”

“Shut up, and let me give my spiel.” I nodded my head in compliance, she gave me an annoyed half smile and continued in a completely uninterested monotone.

“Hello Adalyn, I’m Trixie. I’m a genie. I’m here to make your life amazing, your wildest dreams a reality, and ultimately,” she rolled her eyes and glared at me with distaste, “to make you smile.” The over-rehearsed script obviously engrained into her mind, much to her disdain.

“Where are the hidden cameras? Am I gonna meet Ashton?” I asked a little too excitedly, scanning the room quickly.

“No, not unless you wish it!” she shouted. “Now pay attention to the rules.”

I rolled my eyes, rules.

“Humans almost never get anything right when telling people about supernatural beings, but they somehow managed to get one detail right. Three wish limit, no exceptions, no extra wish wishes. Three. Oh, and absolutely no raising people from the dead. That’s just gross.” She shuddered at a bad memory.

“No seriously, is Ashton here?”

No!” She shouted so loud it hurt my ears, “You senseless human! Do you not understand? I’m magical! Charmed! Enchanted!”

“Don’t genies, like, come in lamps? Lamps buried deep in caves?”

“Our homes change with the times, duh.” She rolled her eyes. “The lamp was much roomier than these preposterous ‘smart phones’,” she said with disgust.

I looked at her with furrowed brows, and she sighed dramatically before crossing her arms over her chest and quickly bobbing her head once.

We were soon floating up to the ceiling!

“Put me down!” I screamed as the ground became smaller, and the mess in the basement seemed to grow. The room began to spin wildly, or was it just me? Shag carpet, retainers and hundreds of boxes flew past in a blur. “Okay. I believe you’re real! Put me down!”

“You’re not exactly valedictorian, are you? Didn’t think so.” After insulting me, she became an actual little five inch tall person standing on my phone screen. “Now let’s make this snappy, three wishes. I have a wish quota to fill before I get some vacation time, and Atlantis is calling my name.”

“You mean I have to decide now? But that wasn’t in the rules!”

“You were actually listening?” She asked, completely irritated.

“Of course.”

She stomped her foot like a irate five year-old.

“Why? It’s not like you don’t have plenty of time.”

She had the best death glare I’ve ever seen, and started to open her mouth.

“Your manners are a little rusty, you really need to get out more,” I smirked and she growled, literally.

“Okay,” I put my hands up in surrender. “I’ll try and decide on what to wish for.”

Ummm… Panic began to set in. Maybe I should be responsible and wish for like world peace or something. Nah, who am I, Gracie Lu Freebush? Trixie began to tap her foot impatiently and clench her jaw.

“I can’t choose this quickly!” I yelled, stress building.

“One night, I’ll give you one night to dream, imagine, and decide on your final wishes. After 24 hours, I start to get testy.”

“24 hours? You started to get testy -” I stopped. One look at her face told me this wasn’t a welcome conversation.

I tried again, “24 hours sounds lovely.”

“Well, have fun with this,” she glanced around the room, and her eyes lit up. “Let me help you out with the 70s.”

With an impish grin and a flick of her head, all the 70’s boxes opened and began to organize themselves, Hot Stuff by Donna Summers played in the background. The disco ball even hung itself on the ceiling.

I almost got maimed by a flying afro pick. I dodged it Matrix-style and she smiled.

Three wishes. It was my turn to give an impish grin. This punishment might not be so bad after all, might even be a little fun. 

The Sock Monster (and other totally existent creatures)

We all know about the monster in the dryer that only eats one sock…

But my house is beginning to feel like a Dr. Suess book. A monster around every corner stealing a specific item just for kicks.

“All those Nupboards in the Cupboards they’re good fun to have about. But that Nooth gush on my tooth brush…..Him I could do without.”
― Dr. Seuss, There’s a Wocket in My Pocket!

Buy a pack of rubber bands… gone within a week. Do you ever see them again? No. Of course not, something around here eats them for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Chapstick! I have never ever gotten to the end of a chapstick… for all I know there is a prize at the bottom. A ridiculously tiny trophy for making it through without losing it. That’s what I’d do if I made chapstick! No one would ever know either. Because purses eat chapstick.

Nail polish, moves. It moves all over the house. There is obviously a very girly (or cross-dressing*) little fiend running around that enjoys painting her (his*) nails.

Keys, wallets, and the nessicities. These are a given. Keys disappear daily around here. They end up on the mantle, in the fridge, in the bread box, on top of the cabinets… You name it, the keys have moved dust around there.

There also must be some kind of little creature that just cannot keep it’s hands off my t-shirts… but in all fairness that’s just my sister, Breelin.

The point is, that I sure ain’t taking the blame for all of my things that magically vanish. My house is a portal for all the little clepto monsters of the world.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Happy reading, Kiersten

* Added mostly for hilarity, and in order to poke a little fun at the political correctness of the world today.

If only The Hunger Games were real… and other unlikely scenarios that would benefit my health.

If The Hunger Games were real: 

1. I’d be in shape! Fearing a fight to the death every year would probably keep me in shape.

2. There wouldn’t be enough food to let me get fat anyways. haha. Seriously though, all the people are like starving in the book. While it does make me extremely grateful (I’d pass on the squirrel stew for now) … I also know that none of them are fat…

3.  I’d be so in love with the Baker’s son… (who’s name is Peeta, like Pita, like bread… seriously?)

If  The Princess Diaries were real:

1. I’d stay in shape on the off chance I actually was a princess just waiting to be discovered.

2. My hair wouldn’t look anything like Mia’s pre-makeover look. Are you kidding me?!

3. I wouldn’t let my friend call her basic cable local TV show “Lily Tells it like it is”.

If  Gone with the Wind was real:

1. I could make designer duds out of curtains.

2. I would talk with extra syllables and an extra dose of whine at all times.

3.  I wouldn’t have to worry about getting fat because those corsets wouldn’t let you eat anything anyways.

If Twilight were real:

1. I could just become a super model by becoming vampire: Worth it.

2. I’d have to drink blood, even if it’s from animals… and that’s kinda gross. (Okay, really gross)


Lesson learned today: In a perfect world there would be major motivation to workout (fights to the death), McDonald’s wouldn’t be on every corner, we’d be happy when we got food and understand the blessing it is (ooh, got heavy right there), and I would be able to make clothes out of curtains.

The real issue here:

Esther

I was trying to decide who my favorite woman in the Bible was… it took next to no time to decide. Without a doubt it is Esther.

Don’t get me wrong… Mary gave birth to Jesus (at 14!!), Sarah had a kid at like 90 something years old, and Mary Magdalene was the first to see Jesus after he had been crucified. There are many many amazing stories and women in the Bible. Esther is my all time fave though.

Maybe it is my inner five year old loving the fact that a regular girl got plucked out of the ordinary and was  magically transformed into a princess. Maybe it is just because it is the most Disney-ish story I could find in the Bible thus far, but whatever the reason, I love it.

I love the movies, like One Night with the King, or even the Veggie Tales version. The story never get’s old to me… Like some old Disney movie, the magic never wears off.

But, as a (mature and grown-up, hahaha) 18 year old, I look up to Esther because of her courage in the face of adversity, and her ability to trust the Lord. She trusted that she had been placed where she was for a reason, one of the hardest things for people to do.

There are a few valuable things I believe can be taken away from Esther (Don’t read this as if I have graduated bible school. I haven’t. It’s not deeply theological. It’s just an 18 year old girl’s take on her favorite story!):

  1. Your Past Cannot Hold You Back: Esther’s parents had both died. I cannot imagine something worse, yet as you hopefully know she goes on to become a queen. (Esther 2:7
  2. God Will Always Provide: With no parents to raise her, did she grow up on the streets? No of course not, this is more Cinderella than Aladdin. God provided her with a cousin, Mordecai, who raised her as his own daughter. (Esther 2:7)
  3. Other People Can See The Light of God in You: Even if they don’t realize it, if you act according to your faith, you can be a light to people and not even know it. They’ll know something is different in you… Just like Hegai immediately took a liking to Esther. Setting her up with special foods and servants. (Esther 2:9)
  4. Respect the Opinions of the Authorities God has Placed in your Life: Esther listened to Mordecai’s advice several times while she is in the process of becoming queen, and even after she had become queen she didn’t get too big of a head to listen to her father-figure. It saved her life a couple times.
    It also ends up getting her the king. She asks for Hegai for advice before seeing the king, and she did pretty well if you ask me.
  5. Know When to Keep Quiet: One of the biggest things you can get out of the book of Esther is that she knows when to shut up and when to respectfully speak her mind. I think many many people could learn this lesson, ESPECIALLY me.
  6. The final thing I really take from Esther, Always Have Faith in God… He’s Got Your Back! Esther has to break laws and face evil psychos… but that is really nothing compared to how scary it can be to put complete faith in God, especially when you know your neck is on the line.

If you haven’t read Esther, I highly highly suggest it. It’s got intrigue, mystery, romance, and suspense. If you don’t have a bible, I nifty site I love to use is Bible Gateway, it has the whole bible in like a ton of versions, so you can compare and see what you like best.

Anyways, I pray that I can be more like Esther as I continue to grow older. If everyone was more like her, and placed God and even other people before themselves our world would be so much better.

Ta-ta for now! Kiersten

Lessons from Darcy

I don’t really know of any girls that would turn down Mr. Darcy. ( I mean like a modern-day version… because if some guys from the 1800’s randomly walked up to me, I’d turn him down… with like pepper spray.)

I mean, even Elizabeth ended up falling for him, you know, even with all the Pride he was plagued with and the Prejudices she just couldn’t seem to drop.

So, I think guys should get a clue, take a hint. I mean, why do girls watch chick flicks?

Here is my theory… Girls watch chick flicks (or read chick lit) because they 1.) Can relate to it, or 2.) wish they could relate to it, or  3.) the story just has the awww factor.

So when I am watching Cinderella Story, I wouldn’t mind going to the ball with Chad Michael Murray. (And can you blame me??) Watching the Notebook? Finding true love again, how cute? Aww factor for sure. (I can hear all the girls smiling when they finally kiss after all those years, almost everyone does. Watching people’s expressions during movies is so fun! Seriously. Do it.)

So I thought I’d just guys in on the secret… learn from what girls love. They love chick flicks. They love Pride and Prejudice. And we all have a secret (some not so secret and slightly too literal to be called “normal) crush on the “Darcy figure”.

While this theory does involve actually guys watching Pride and Prejudice, there are some great battle scenes… (Sisters fighting over ribbon can be BRUTAL.)

Learning from Darcy:

 

Mr Darcy: One of the greatest book figures (and in a movie) of all times. His picture is under the word swoon in the encyclopedia. (Although this actor is NOT how I picture Darcy… The guy in my head’s version of the book/movie is under the word swoon.)

Let’s face it. He is infuriating, self-absorbed, big-headed, rude and insensitive… But he must have done something right, because girls still talk about Darcy in their Facebook status, tweets, and blog posts.

In case you are somehow totally in the dark (shame on you), here are the must know to at least bring you into the outskirts of the loop. Darcy is an arrogant rich guy with a big ego, he lives in a palace, his family is slightly batty, and underneath it all he is a loyal friend and totally head over heels in love with Elizabeth. Of course it takes the whole book to get to that part, but I am fairly certain I am not giving it all away.

Darcy… Some things to be said for him. He is not perfection in a bottle. He needs a haircut, better manners, and to learn to converse with people. (I mean, he’s like filthy rich, you’d think he’d be able to hold a conversation for more than 2 sentences.)

Lesson’s from Darcy:

Lesson # 1. Being rich can’t hurt! haha. But seriously, don’t be lazy. Get a job. The girl having to pay for everything. Turn-off. Even when my friends date guys like that it annoys me.

Lesson # 2. Self-sacrifice. Darcy’s worst enemy in the world causes a great scandal for the Bennet family. What does Darcy do? Bails out the Bennet family by paying off his worst nightmare. Humiliation at it’s finest. Of course later he admits it was all for Elizabeth, but it worked didn’t it?

Lesson # 3. May I point out,  He wasn’t trying to be the hero. He kept his involvement in this scandal all a secret. Her blabby sister told her what went down. So, she knew he wasn’t doing it just to win her affection, he actually cared.

Lesson # 4. Darcy put Elizabeth before his own family… I technically don’t know if this counts as a great deed or not, because the aunt he totally snubbed was like a demented evil witch, but still… She was first in his life, and even the evil schemes of an evil Aunt didn’t get in the way. Which is always good.

 Lesson # 5. He is good in a crisis. When any girl pictures her future guy, and in this little dream land something goes wrong, none of us want the guy to cry for his mommy or faint… We want action, and results. Queue Darcy. Elizabeth’s sister goes missing… She freaks out. He keeps a level head and finds her. Smooth.

Lesson # 6. He tells it like it is. He isn’t all cryptic, he didn’t beat around the bush, he just told Elizabeth how he felt. He loved her, no ifs,ands or buts about it.

Lesson  # 7. He knows just how to tease her. He knows when to back off, when to let an issue drop, and when to push her buttons a little bit more. They are on the same level, which makes all the witty banter so cute… if not slightly annoying. (I mean, I’d totally kill them if I knew them in real life.)

Not to mention… Have you seen Pemberly? Can you say mansion? Gorgeous, beautiful mansion. (Which only makes me happy because it totally comes with maid service. 70,000 sq feet to clean- no thanks… maids to annoy-yes, please… Although I did learn a few lessons from the help, always be nice to the cook. ALWAYS.)

In the end… I think we can all agree… Beyond the complete loyalty, compassion, patience and adoration for Elizabeth, the real reason we love Darcy… totally the accent.

Love, Kiersten.